My plan to make guns safe

Dear NRA,

I know you probably think "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" is too gay or old to teach us anything, but I'm here to tell you that this play and film has the answers to all our woes.

Guns can still strike fear into the hearts of those we point them at. Just look at Elizabeth Taylor. There is true terror in her eyes.

But, by simply trading bullets for an umbrella gag, we both save this violet-eyed beauty's life AND give Richard Burton the emotional satisfaction of getting to shoot his spouse. And who doesn't want that?

So, today I'm proposing the mass retrofitting of all guns in America. More umbrellas, fewer tragic deaths. I think it's a fair trade. Edward Albee would surely agree.

Thanks,

Todd X.